छूटता बंधन

"पता नहीं इस बार कश्मीरी आया होगा या नहीं । माँ ने अपनी शॉल तो मुझे दे दी थी । कितनी ज़िद्द कर के मैंने उन्हें ये शाल दिलाई थी । वो तो पापा से खुद बोलेंगी नहीं । भाई भी तो इतना लापरवाह है । खुद की सुध नहीं रहती उसे, माँ पापा का कैसे ख्याल रखता होगा"

कभी कभी सोचती हूँ तो यकीन नहीं होता के ये मैं ही हूँ, जो पिछले साल तक  सर्दियों में खुद ही बिना स्वेटर के घुमा करती थी -

"माँ तुम जानती हो मुझे उतनी ठण्ड नहीं लगती"

"माँ मैं उस स्वेटर में में बहुत बुरी दिखती हूँ, मैं ये नहीं पहनूंगी"

और अब अपने साथ साथ अपने घर वालों की भी ज़िम्मेदारी - जो किसी ने मुझे दी नहीं है पर बिना जताए मैं मेहसूस ज़रूर करने लगी हूँ ।

मुझे याद है जब मैं कॉलेज से घर पहुँचती थी और माँ घर पर नहीं होती थी तो कितना सुना लगता था । मैं हर जगह माँ को ढूँढ आती थी - छत पर, बालकनी  में,आस-पड़ोस में और दुकान पर भी । एक दिन मैंने माँ को साफ़ साफ़ कह दिया कि मेरे घर से निकलते और लौटते वक़्त तुम घर में रहोगी । पर ये नहीं कह पायी कि घर आने पर तुम नहीं दिखती तो बेचैनी होती है । तुम जाते वक़्त समय पर घर आने की हिदायत नहीं देती तो अधूरा लगता है ।

माँ की हिदायत का असर इतना होता था कि ज़रूरी काम होने पर और देर से आने की इजाज़त होने पर भी घर जाने की जल्दी रहती थी । माँ मुझे दरवाज़े पर देख कर कितना खुश होती थी । मैं जब भी माँ से पूछती हूँ की आप मेरे लिए ही इतनी परेशान क्यों होती हो तो जवाब बस इतना आता है की जब तुम्हारी बेटी होगी तब पता चलेगा !

पापा की एक बहुत बुरी आदत है जो मुझे बहुत अच्छी लगती है - वो है रोज़ सुबह मुझे उठाने की । हर रोज़ मेरी  नींद खुलती थी पापा के शोर करने से । सुबह के 7 बजे पापा चिल्ला रहे होते थे के आजकल के बच्चों का क्या रूटीन है, 12 बजे सोना है और12 बजे जागना है । और मेरे एक बार पापा बोलते ही पापा चुप हो जाते थे । इस बात पर माँ और भाई खूब हस्ते भी थे - के आपको बस आपकी बेटी ठीक कर सकती है । मैं भी ये सुनकर नींद में ही मुस्कुराने लगती थी । आज भी नींद खुलती है पापा के कॉल से । फ़ोन उठाते ही उनकी प्यारी सी आवाज़ में उठ जा बेटू सुनकर मेरी सुबह और सुहानी हो जाती है । पापा की इतनी छोटी छोटी दिल छू लेने वाली आदतें ही उन्हें और प्यारा इंसान बनती हैं । काश मैं उनकी तरह बन पाती !

पहली बार घर से बाहर आने का एहसास ऐसा ही होता होगा । आप छोटी छोटी गैरज़रूरी बातों और चीज़ों से भी रिश्ता जोड़ने लगते होंगे , हर बात में अपने वजूद को तलाशते होंगे और हर नए रिश्ते को अपनेपन के तराज़ू पर तौलते होंगे ।

सबकी ज़िन्दगी में ऐसा ही होता है शायद । अचानक जो रिश्ते आपके दिल के सबसे करीब होते हैं वो आपसे दूर जाने लगते हैं । दूरियों की वजह से रिश्ते और मज़बूत तो हो जाते हैं पर वो बंधन कमज़ोर होने लगता है । पहली बार आपको अपनों की ज़िम्मेदारी का एहसास तो होता है पर आप जानते हैं की एक सीमा से ज़्यादा आप अपनी ज़िम्मेदारी निभा नहीं सकते । यही वो वक़्त होता है जब आपके अनुभव बस आपके होते हैं - कोई साथी कोई संगी नहीं होता उन्हें साझा करने के लिए । शायद यही वो वक़्त होता है जब हम असल मायने में बड़े हो रहे होते हैं ।

बदलते दौर, बदलते वक़्त और बदलते लोगों बीच आप खुद को बदलने और न बदलने के सवाल से रूबरू होते हैं - पर जवाब देना तब आसान हो जाता है जब आपके पास कुछ कभी न बदलने वाली चीज़ों का साथ हो - जैसे पापा की कॉल और माँ की हिदायत ।  

सावन

एक मोटी सी बूँद जब पड़ी मेरे गालों पर
मन झूम उठा फिर बीते पलों की यादों पर
जब दुनियादारी की बातों से बेसुध थे हम
अपने सपनो की दुनिया में गुमसुम थे हम

याद आया मुझे कैसे चहक सी जाती थी मैं
छू लेते थे जब हाथ मेरा, कैसे सहम सी जाती थी मैं
जब अपनी उंगलियां फेरते थे मेरे बालों में तुम
पास बैठ तुम्हारे यूँ हो जाती थी ख्यालों में ग़ुम

वो बिंदी मेरी जहा दिल था तुम्हारी सल्तनत का
वो काजल मेरा जहां चैन था तुम्हारी रातों का
वो नज़रे तुम्हारी जो छू लेती थी मेरे तन को
वो आँखें तुम्हारी जो पढ़ लेती थी मेरे मन को

फिर अचानक आँख खुली तो सोचा ये क्या सोच रही हूँ मैं
जो हो न सका मेरा उसकी क्यों हो रही हूँ मैं
दर्द देते हैं बस क्यों बैठ गयी ऐसी बातों को लेकर
कुछ देर बाद याद आया, सावन आ गया है
बीती यादों को लेकर...

याद हो तुम

याद आता है मुझे
बचपन का वो ज़माना
जब तुम्हे छुप छुप कर देखना ही था
मेरे जीने का बहाना

याद आता है मुझे
तुम्हारी गलियों में गुज़ारा हर वक़्त, हर लम्हा
तुम्हे बस एक बार देखने की ख़्वाहिश
फिर लौट आना युही खाली हाथ, नाउम्मीद और तन्हा

याद आता है मुझे
तुम्हे स्कूल तक छोड़ने जाना
पिछली सीट पर बैठ कर तुम्हे देखना
और तुम्हारे मुड़ते ही मेरा सेहम जाना

याद आता है मुझे
गुलाबी रंग का तुम्हारा कढ़ाईदार सूट
रेशम के धागों से बुनी तम्हारी गुलाबी चादर
जो कर रही थी मेरी कायनात को मेहफ़ूज़

याद आता है मुझे
मंदिर में घंटों तुम्हारा इंतज़ार करना
मुझे देख मुस्कुराना तुम्हारा
और तुम्हे देख मेरी धड़कनों का तेज़ हो जाना

याद आता है मुझे
तुम्हारा मोहल्ले की शादियों में जाना
मेरा तुम्हारा पीछा करना
और तुम्हारा मुझे देख कर भी अनदेखा कर जाना

याद आता है मुझे
मेरा तुम्हे इज़हार करना और तुम्हारा इंकार कर जाना
मेरा बार बार कोशिश करना
और तुम्हारा हर बार मुकर जाना

याद आता है मुझे
तुम्हारी आँखों से बरसता वो नूर
मुझे आखिरी बार पलट कर देखना तुम्हारा
और कर देना खुद से दूर

आज भी याद हो तुम
तुम्हारे दबे होंठ और झुकी नज़रों का शर्माना,
मुझसे दूर हो कर भी तुम्हारा हर वक़्त मेरे ख्यालों में होना,
और मेरे बुरे वक़्त में भी मुझे जीना सीखा जाना

मेरा गाँव, मेरा देस

मुझे याद है मेरे गाँव की वो सड़के
जो कभी बन न पायी थी आज़ादी के कई  साल बाद भी
नेशनल हाईवे का वो संकरा मोड़
जहां चलते चलते पहुंच जाती हूँ मैं आज भी

मेरे गाँव की वो नहर जो बहती होगी आज भी
उसके किनारे के वो पेड़ क्या घने होंगे आज भी?
वो पोखर भी वही होगा जहां पापा मछलियाँ पकड़ते थे
वो स्कूल भी तो होगा जहां पढ़ने जाया करते थे

मेरे खेतों पर जाती वो कच्ची पगडंडियां
जो गवाह बनी मेरे बचपन की
हरे मटर और चने के वो खेत
जहां जम कर की है चोरी भी

मेरे घर का वो आँगन, वो देवता घर, वो दालान
जिसके हर कोने में बसी है मेरी कोई न कोई याद
मेरे घर की वो रसोई, वो मिटटी का चूल्हा, उसपे बने पकवान की खुशबू,
जो खीच लेती है आज भी मुझे, कर देती है आने पर मजबूर

मेरे छत का वो कोना जहाँ से होलिका की लपटें दिखती थी
पूर्णिमा की उस रात को चाँदनी क्या खूब बिखरती थी

दालमोट की वो दूकान जो आज भी होगी चौराहे पर
जो ले आते थे बड़े पापा किसी के भूख लग जाने पर

कितनी रातें , कितने वादे कितनी बातें इसकी याद हैं

मैं चलती तो कहीं और हूँ पर दीखता मेरा गाँव है 

Missed Calls...

It was an evening of summer. Rhea opened her eyes and looked at the watch. It was 5 pm already. She wondered how she wasted the entire day by sleeping and weeping. She had taken a day off from her work stating she was ill, but in reality she just wanted a break from her monotonous life. She grabbed the coffee mug kept on her table and headed towards the terrace with the most treasured object she had in her life, her personal diary.

She started looking at each pages from the beginning, all the entries had the time and date mentioned on it. But after viewing few pages patiently she started looking for a particular entry. She kept her coffee mug on the railing and anxiously turned the pages of her diary. After turning few pages she read the date she was looking for.

She took a deep breath, grabbed her coffee mug and placed herself on the floor of the terrace. Sipping the coffee from her coffee mug she started reading the text…

“Today was the happiest day of my life. For past one week I have been planning for this day. After all I met him for the second time only after our school. Actually we both were excited. After months of talking, finally the day had come when we were to see each other. I woke up earlier than usual today, and was ready to go to my friend’s house as early as I could. He told me he might get late as there is a lot of traffic on his way. It’s strange that we don’t talk on phone either. Yes, it’s only Facebook and whatsapp. How the technology today has made it so easier for people to converse and get closer without putting much efforts to please each other with gifts and flowers. Till now I have talked to him on phone just once, that too for few seconds.

I reached my friend’s home earlier than stated. As a punishment I had to help her in cleaning her room. Usually I hate doing such stuff but today I enjoyed it. Yes, I was enjoying everything today. But at the same moment I was nervous too. It was a different kind of feeling that I have never experienced before. I don’t know why I was so nervous to meet him. It wasn’t our first meeting; neither was he the first boy I was meeting. Still I was scared to see him.”

There was a spark in rhea’s eyes while she read these lines. She turned the page of her diary and continued reading…

“It was 2:30 when I checked my phone…and then, I screamed. Harsh (2 missed calls). How on earth can I miss his call? Damn. I called him back. He said he’ll reach the restaurant in 30 minutes. I rushed to the washroom for a final touchup. I was not sure what to do with my hairs. Shalinee said I should leave them open, so I did. I was in auto when I sensed that my phone was vibrating. But before I could take it out of my purse, I missed the call. It was him again. 1 missed call. He called me again and said that there is no place at the restaurant and we have to go elsewhere. At that moment I could hardly understand anything, I wanted to say that I don’t want to see you, I was never so nervous in my life. I was shivering. But then I somehow uttered few words. I said lets meet first and then we can decide what we have to do.

My auto was there in front of the restaurant, my heart beating fastly. I saw him from the corner of my eye but avoided taking a complete look at him. I paid the auto and moved further towards the entrance of the restaurant.

And yes, there he was, standing near the door. He was so tall that I could barely see the whole of him, haha. I saw him and went blank, completely. He moved towards me and said hello. But I could not see his face for two reasons. First, I was shy and second he was way taller than me.  We avoided talking much and quickly decided to go to KFC.

When we were in the auto I realized that my hairs are blowing in the opposite direction and must be irritating him. I cursed shalinee from the bottom of my heart. On our way to KFC all my attention was on my hairs, my fingers doing round behind my ears.”

Rhea’s hands automatically went behind her ears. She smiled faintly and continued reading.

“Finally we were together, talking to each other, face to face. I don’t remember what we talked about; all I remember is the eye contact. I just wanted to sit there and keep looking into his eyes, forever. But the way he looked into my eyes gave me Goosebumps. It was getting awkward, not for us but for the people around us. I have never seen anyone like this, neither someone has seen me like this. It was visible on my face, the happiness and the excitement. How we both saw each other and smiled at the same time. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to be with him for some more time. I wanted to hold that moment…

We took an auto and he sat beside me. How happy I was! After few minutes he said he wanted to drop me home. That set my mood right, now I was looking forward to spend some more time with him. But then as a matter of courtesy I asked him whether he was sure. Inside I was praying…just say it boy, say it. Say that you don’t have any problem. Then what, he said what I prayed for. We were on our way to home now.

That evening was so beautiful. The sun had gone down, leaving the sky orange and red. The wind was blowing…soft and cool wind. I saw outside the auto and like earlier, the wind made my hairs blow in the opposite direction. I could easily sense my hairs on his face. I could easily make out he was smiling. But this time I didn’t clutch my hairs. I guess I wanted this to happen, I wanted everything to be memorable for both of us."

"I could feel him close to me, his face so close to mine that I could see the mole on the left side of his cheek. He was talking…but I was just staring his face. But then in few seconds I was sad. Sad, that I couldn’t be with him anymore; Sad, that the day had ended; Sad, that he had to go. I could sense from his face hat he was sad too. All these things were going in my mind, my eyes were moist. I looked outside to control myself from crying. It all started moving in my head, how we started interacting, how we started getting worried for each other, how we would make efforts to see each other happy. And how we never talked about our relation; just followed our emotions. At that moment I was not sure where my feelings were taking me, I was not sure whether Harsh felt the same way or not. I was scared for what would happen to me if this was one sided, yet again.

Then something happened that distracted me from my thoughts completely. I turned and looked into his eyes, he was gazing me with his most expressive eyes. I was trembling, feeling shy, happy, and nervous and excited…all at the same time.

He had held my hand. Our fingers tangled into each other’s. I could feel the toughness of his palm. I could feel his thumb moving over my fingers, giving me goosebumps, leaving me breathless.

It was indeed the most beautiful day of my life.”

As rhea read those lines, tears started falling from her eyes. She tried to hold them back but failed to stop them. She put the diary aside, folded her knees and sat there in the corner of her terrace quietly. A lot of things were going in her mind. She still doesn’t know what led to her separation with Harsh. She never gave up, neither did he. It wasn’t anybody’s fault.

“Maybe our priorities were different. Maybe we never understood each other’s feelings. Maybe we didn’t communicate much. Or maybe we were just not meant to be together.”

She would often think so and would try to console herself that whatever happened, happened for good. “It was all going well. Then what was the exact reason that we are not together. Was there any reason? Or were there a lot of reasons? How could he say that his life would be back to normal in a few weeks? Was I ever important for him? Would I ever be able to forget him? Do I even want to forget him?”

“I don’t know why I want to talk to him. It’s been two months since I last heard his voice. I would not take much of his time, just wish him on our first anniversary. Oh, but what if he doesn’t remember? And why would he remember? What if he didn’t receive the call?”

“I still love him. I still want to be with him. I know he loves me too. It was just the circumstances; I would put in my best effort to make it happen this time.

But what if he doesn’t want to?”

Rhea was not able to decide what she wants from Harsh, or so to say, from herself. She knew that Harsh would never come back to her, she knew that it was him who made the call for separation. But there was a part of her that still hoped that maybe someday everything would be fine. Maybe he would realize that he can’t live without her either.

Still not sure whether to call him or not, Rhea stood up from her place and went back into her room. She put the pile of clothes on her bed aside and searched for her phone anxiously. The moment she sat on the bed, she felt her phone was vibrating. She was pretty sure this was from her office.

Disappointed by this, she reached her phone unwillingly. Tears rolled down her eyes when she saw the screen

.

It read-

Harsh(6 missed calls)

For the sweetest girl...

To,

Neha


Life is beautiful only when you have someone to share your feelings with. Someone with whom you can share your happiness, you sorrows, your good days, your bad das, your success and your failure.
There are few in this world who have found their soul-mate. I am one of those few.
We know each other since standard four. Initially we hated each other! We were like two opposite poles or two sides of a coin. You were intelligent, I was not. You were pretty, I was not. You were tall, I was not. You were soft spoken, I was not! But I think that's the basic formulae of a relationship- opposite attracts! Despite many dissimilarities we were together, just as the two sides of a coin are together, like two opposite poles are together.


you became my best friend, your house became my second house where I would land up any moment. We used to see each other everyday. First in schools, then our telephonic conversations. And then on holidays we would spend our entire day together..at your home or at my home!


You know me better than anyone else. You have handled me with patience. You understand my feelings even before I express them, you turn to me even before I call you.
You care for me so much that I have become irresponsible. Because I know, good or bad, you are there to handle it.
The situation now is so that I hold you responsible for all my feelings. If I am happy, that's because I have shared my happiness with you. If I am sad, that's because you are not giving me attention.


But I want to tell you baby that I too come to know when you are upset, when you are angry, when you are sad and yes, when you are confused. Because half of the time you are in that state only.
And I feel extremely jealous when you say you are with your friends. Each time you make new friends I feel tumme mera hissa kam ho gya. Because you are not my friend anymore. You are my part, my soul-mate!
I won't share you with anyone. Your husband has to take my permission and I doubt I'll allow him. All this just because I want to preserve you, I don't want anyone to hurt you. Agar aisa hua toh he better know who I am!


I miss you girl and I know you miss me too. So here I have a plan. When both of us become bankrupt, when our children kick our asses off and when we have grown wrinkles all over our faces...we will stay together. Making food in the kitchen, dancing on B-grade Bollywood numbers, trying each other's dresses, applying make up, making fun of the boys we loved, cursing the boys who left us or simply lying on the bed and praying for one more day of togetherness. Aur baby thoda sa importance apne pati ko bhi de denge...zyada nae thoda sa...thik??


From,
Pragati

Goddess or No Goddess

Our thoughts about women are not inherited. They are formed by the beliefs and practices of the society only. The society that follows the preaching of their respective religious beliefs and ideas has done more harm than good to the women. Hinduism and Islam might have contradictory faiths and teachings but they stand on same platform when it comes to the description of the role and importance of women in the society.

I am born in a Hindu family. Thus I have more exposure to the position of women in a Hindu society and their portrayals in the Hindu mythologies. We have numerous books and scriptures that mention the then positions and situations a woman dealt with. I have not read any of the books but the preaching of elders and popular beliefs forced me to believe that women are lower. I was not ready to believe this though. I tried every possible way to get more information on the topic. I talked about it with my mother, my grandmother and my father but was not satisfied by their explanations. Then I searched on the internet and as always, Wikipedia came to my rescue; providing sheer facts and no perceptions. After years of teachings and preaching I have come to a conclusion that according to our mythologies, women actually have fewer rights.

The first thing that draw my attention is that women are ‘objects’; precious and valuable but objects.

The kidnapping of Sita by Ravan in “Treta Yug” is one of the earliest examples. We all know that Ravan’s sister Surpanakha abetted him to take revenge from the young Ram and Lakshman who refused to accept her as their wife. Ravan couldn’t take this insult and planned to kidnap Sita, Ram’s wife to teach them a lesson. Along with Ram he taught me a lesson. That women are objects who can be borrowed or kidnapped to teach someone a lesson. If someone has insulted you or threatened you, you just have to claim the woman in his family. In moments the man will be on his knees, begging for his reputation and respect. While Ravan did so to take revenge from the brothers on behalf of his sister, he was also attracted by the beauty and grace of Sita and thought of marrying her.

The second thing I can make out is that women are properties. Remember the game of gamble between Duryodhan and Yudhisthir? Yes, the same one where Yudhisthir betted his wife for a game, the same game where Draupadi was insulted. Where she was asked to remove her clothes in front of the gathering. Where she was called a ‘whore’ for being married to five husbands. All this just because her husband lost he in a game. And what did everybody do? They let this happen. They claimed they were doing ‘dharma’ by abiding by the rules of the game.

This is not the only thing that disturbs me, the major disappointment is that after all this insult and character assassination Draupadi forgave her husbands. Why? Because she was a woman and not a warrior, she could not fight for her self-esteem. She had to rely on her husbands for justice, who were equally responsible for her plight.

Wouldn’t an idle situation would be one where Draupadi stands for herself and gets back her respect? If the mythologies preach this society a way of life then shouldn’t they preach equality; regarding rights and strengths. Why only Draupadi was questioned for having five husbands? Why didn’t anyone ask Arjun for having four wives? Why?

 
The third thing I derive is that women can’t have sexual desires. The instance where Ahilya was punished for a sin she committed in disguise is quintessential. Ahilya, the world’s most beautiful woman as created by the Brahma was married to Maharishi Gautam. Indra, the king of Swarglok maintained that all beautiful women should be with him. He was seduced by the beauty and persona of Ahilya and decided own her. After Gautam leaves for his ritual bath, Indra masquerades as Gautama and asks Ahalya to satisfy him. Ahalya, engrossed in worship, rejects him, considering it inappropriate to have sex at the cost of neglecting the gods. Indra reminds her that her first duty is to serve him. Finally Ahalya gives in, but Gautama learns of this by his divine powers. On reaching his home he was highly disappointed from his wife for not recognizing her husband and losing her self-control. He cursed her to turn into a stone.

And Indra was removed from his throne temporarily. That’s it. Now the question is was that the fault of Ahilya? She was a normal being with no ultimate powers to recognize even her husband’s touch or guess Indra’s plan! She didn’t ask him to come over then why did she suffer? She did what she thought was her ‘duty’ as a wife, to satisfy her husband.

She was released from the curse thousands of years later by the touch of Ram’s feet. And after coming to life again she begged pardon from her husband. This clearly exhibits the double standard the society maintained. And this is prevalent even now. Talking about a women’s sexual desire is still a taboo. Why can’t a woman express her sexual desires? Isn’t she made up of same chemicals, elements and hormones the men are made up of?

These are only few instances, there are numerous such incidents that highlight that women are of lower importance. A woman can't be an heir, she doesn't have a stake in her father's property, she is not capable of being a warrior, there are many such myths which are accepted as beliefs These beliefs and practices are in rooted in our society so deeply that it is naïve to demand change overnight. But despite knowing this it is my humble request to all the men and women who worship women as form of Durga, Laxi and Saraswati, please stop doing so. Because the girl you are worshipping (or pretending to worship) is neither Durga nor there is any actual Durga.

The ‘shakti’ or ‘source of strength’ you worship is said to have immense power but the women who you pretend to worship are made up of very ordinary material. They have the same strength, same fate, same predilections, same prejudices, same drawbacks and same desires.

They are as human as you are.